This is the first season of the first sexist series on this wiki. Brought to you by DryIceBros. You can find the next season at your local retailer.
The time has arrived. You turn on your TV computer and change the channel to the Big Brother Fanon Wikia. On there is the greatest miracle of all mankind, fittingly named THE BEST BIG BROTHER. Reality TV would never be the same again after being graced by the sheer might encapsulated inside the greatest brain to ever be formed. Viewers would finally learn what it truly meant to be woke, and if you are reading this, then you too will meet this fate. However, it will not be shared freely. To retain enlightenment, you must pray to me every morning and night, buying all the merchandise that is inevitably, released, and carve deep into your mind the story that I shall weave.
The first thing you see on this journey is the face of your host, Jackie Chen, as he summarizes the format of the show, which you couldn’t care less about. Then you see a bunch of strangers in a house with putrid colors and furniture you had no idea existed in nonsensical positions. The centerpiece of the place is a giant eye with pus spewing out and a blood red iris, reminding the contestants below it that there was always an atrocity that had the true power in the house.
But who are these unusual people you have decided to dedicate your life to obsessing over, until you either were an amalgamation of fat or an emaciated skeleton on the verge of death. Scroll up for the answer. The one thing this group had in common was that they were willing to put up with whatever insanity and inanity would be thrown at them for money. Whether it was to support their poor family, to afford cancer treatment, or to get even richer, this was the consensus between them all, and they were prepared to sacrifice everyone else for their own success. Maybe not Amir, but eleven out of twelve is pretty good. Before any of them could get their bearings together or even greet each other, a voice boomed from a loudspeaker, creating a loud screech now and then. The actual voice was a distorted and harsh recreation of Jackie Chen, who was attempting to reveal the news that the first Head of Household competition would begin immediately. Although it took a minute to decode the message that had been mangled nearly beyond recognition, the houseguests managed to understand the situation, and rushed over to where their competition would take place. Upon their arrival, all that was there to greet there was the darkest room they could imagine existing, with the sole exception of a blinding neon totem pole. Next to the room was a plaque that explained that the sole requirement for winning the HOH was to hold onto the pole longer than anybody else. As far as they could tell, there were no limitations to how they would accomplish this, other than the fact that only one hand could touch pole.
And so they all walked in and grabbed onto a seperate section of the pole, avoiding direct eye contact with the glare of green that now covered their whole body. The competition had begun, and everyone was uncertain over what was the best approach to take with this. Some considered using brute force, although the tightness of the space and the mystery of their opponent’s own strength and fortitude caused no action to be taken. The rest simply hoped that holding with all their will would suffice. But to the surprise of everyone, the first casualty would only take place during the first few minutes, in the form of Clifford. He justified this development by claiming his old bones were acting up, and decided he might as well bow out to give the men more space. However, when inside the Diary Room, free from the judgement of the other men, his story changed. With a grin brimming with self confidence, he proclaimed that “If I had really wanted to, I could’a hanged on that stupid pole for hours, but I didn’t want those folk to see me as more than some old coot. In this game, ya gotta avoid being a target, and that’s what I plan on doing.”
With him out of the competition, the wait for someone else to slip was much longer, but eventually Juan, Ken, Ross, Devin, Doug, Damon, and Victor all messed up in ways that don’t matter. After only 6 hours, 4 remained standing. Then it went down to 3 after Gabriel convinced Amir to let someone else have the win. Over time it became clearer and clearer that the three still holding on would have to be pried away from the pole to lose the HOH, and that’s just what Mark did after plenty of deliberation. Using the element of surprise, he knocked Freddie off the pole and swiftly moved onto Gabriel, shoving him off with his superior strength. Regardless of the consequences of this move, he had become the first Head of Household, and nothing could take that away from him.
Until they did.
Although most of his opponents attempted to be respectful, Gabriel, and especially Freddie, had no qualms against confronting Mark on his approach to winning the competition. They accused his tactics of somehow being cowardly and far too aggressive at the same time, which was just countered with the claim that it’s just the game and you have to do what you have to do to win. With neither side budging, tempers began to flare, and before things could get physical, Freddie and Mark were split apart to cool off, while Gabriel was too busy being filled with intense regret over what he just did to be concerned about. Doing his best to maintain the guise of a cocksure intellectual, the entrepreneur began to furiously stroke his beard, an unsuccessful attempt to alleviate his stress. Meanwhile, his partner-in-crime was still fuming over the situation despite the best efforts of Amir and Ross to calm him down. The programmer continued his rantings, much to the chagrin of his comforters.
Mark found a necessary distraction in the keys he had just won, allowing him to enter HOH room. He had no interest in being bothered by anyone at the time, so he decided against making fanfare out of the room. Upon unlocking and opening the door to the room, he discovered nothing noteworthy. Just a plain room with uninspired colors, and a single bed to sleep on. Unaware of the rickety planks of wood that everyone else had to sleep on, Mark couldn’t help but feel unimpressed by the sight, but he accepted it anyways and flopped on the bed to do some meditating. He thought back to his goals for life and this game, which he shared in the Diary Room; “I’ve been an aggressive guy all my life. I guess it’s just in my nature or something, but I went into this game with the idea that I could sit back and let people target each other, but nooooo, of course my competitive spirit had to take over and screw me over.” He lets out a deep sigh as he regains his composure. “I may be the first Head of Household, but I got it by making two enemies and alienating the rest of the house. The reward was not worth the risks.”
Clifford and Doug couldn’t help but laugh at the stupidity they saw around the entire situation. They trash talked everyone at the center of the drama, while thanking them for being easy first boots. Concerned over how long this situation will serve as a safety blanket, Clifford proposed the idea of forming an alliance of the older contestants, and pulling Damon and Juan with them. Doug was immediately hooked on the idea and a handshake was shared between the two right before they left to recruit. It wound up taking very little work to pull the alliance together, as Damon and Juan saw no reason not to join, so once both halves found each other, the group was set in stone, everyone determined to remain loyal to the newly named Old Farts.
Although the tension in the house was fairly quick to subside, Mark and Freddie were not on speaking terms, although Gabriel was doing everything he could to separate himself from the incident. As things quieted down, the houseguests began to feel each other out, deciding how they mixed with the others. Everyone was just beginning to relax when the loudspeakers announced that it was time for Mark to choose his nominations.
Once everyone was gathered around each other, Mark stood to reveal his nominees. To the surprise of nearly nobody, he chose Freddie and Gabriel. Although Freddie’s blood began to evaporate from the heat building up within his soul while his veins pulsated, Gabriel was the one who was most caught off guard by the reveal. In between the competition and the ceremony, he had done everything he could to convince Mark to not put him up, so his efforts proving to be in vein left him aghast. Mark claimed that his reasoning for the nominations was obvious, so he was quick to adjourn it, but Gabriel was not so willing to simply let him go, rushing over to interrogate him on his reasoning. As it turned out, his reasoning was simply that he didn’t have any negative experiences thus far with the other options, and although it was only one instance, he did still have some ill will towards Gabe. Although unsatisfied, Gabriel managed to rein himself in and focus his efforts on avoiding eviction, with or without the POV.
With a target on his back so obvious a newborn baby could point it out, Freddie was desperate to get all the support he could find from his housemates. Unfortunately for him, he would overcompensate for this and everybody would hate him a lot and be very mean and make him cry. So he wanted the POV. It was time for the POV and Damon and Doug and Ken were all randomly picked to compete. In some kind of challenge, Damon won.
Freddie and Gabriel begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded for Damon to use the veto on them, but all the dignity they threw into the wind didn’t even make the giant wall of muscle that made up the professional basketball player. He had already agreed to keeping the nominations as they were for Mark’s sake, and he didn’t see any benefit to shaking things up, so they remained the way they were. And so the begging and pleading moved onto every other contestant, who had just been given responsibility over the fate of the nominees.
At first, the consensus was that Freddie needed to go, and nearly all of the house was content with that, but there was a stink that tainted this ideal. I’m talking about the Old Farts. Primarily, Clifford and Damon, who were both unconvinced that taking out the easy target was the way to go. The way they saw it, this was the perfect opportunity to take out Gabriel, who appeared to be a big enough threat to worry about, but not enough of one to be obvious about it. So while it took some long debates before an agreement could be made, in the end they got what they wanted and the alliance had their sights set on Gabe.
They went to work on pulling the rest of the house over, starting with Amir. He wasn’t that old, but they deemed his age good enough to try to win him over with a spot on their alliance. He turned out to be a tough nut to crack, but their determination and the offer given to him made some consideration necessary before it would be time to vote. However, the alliance found themselves with a bump in the road when they tried getting everyone else on their side. They had not yet realized it, but Gabe had an alliance with Devin and Ken (whose origin I’ll include in the update), so once they realized that their ally was in danger, they rushed over to him with the news. Now desperate to save himself, he rushed over to Mark with the information, hoping the HOH would aid him. His hope would turn out to be justified, as Mark wanted Freddie out of the house as soon as possible. Mark confronted the men about the plan he was blind to until just a few minutes ago. Realizing their plan was leaked, the alliance panicked as they had suddenly found new enemies, and people were starting to become suspicious of the existence of the alliance. In the blink of an eye the lead-up to the vote was becoming more heated than ever.
Meanwhile Ross and Victor were recounting their experiences with drugs, while smoking some weed that was contained in the room (420 blaze it, am I right kids? Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh). In their minds, the vote was simple. Vote to evict Freddie because he was kind of a drain to have around. After that, they could just chill out and let everyone else erotically cannibalize each other until only the two of them remained. Then the game came crashing into the room and smacked them right over the head for daring to not go insane with paranoia. But it was to no avail, as they were already higher than Mount Everest’s summit could ever dream of being. They claim to have met Jesus Christ at this elevation but the squeaky clean members of the house were suspicious of this claim. All the attempts at talking strategy to them were to no avail, so when the time came to vote, they just voted Freddie for no strategic benefit to themselves that they were aware of.
Thanks to weed there was now a 4-4 split between the older and younger players, with Amir right in the middle. Through most of the day he had remained wishy washy over his plans on the vote, but when time ran out, he begrudgingly voted to evict Gabriel.
When the news broke out, his heart broke into a mound of bloody dust, and the dejected husk of a human being left the house without so much as a goodbye, while Freddie was jubilant over the reveal. Doug went over to hug and congratulate Freddie, while the former members of Gabriel’s alliance attempted to comfort him during his last moments. Amir tried to apologize, but it wasn’t accepted by the recently evicted houseguest. He walked out the door, and just like that there was one less resident of the house.
- Better than the dumb ponies.